Bitch-meter

After a particularly (no, scratch that, typically is more appropriate) stressful day at work, I made the comment, whilst listening to a colleague's use of contracting with a client,
    'That's fabulous.  You're using contracting as a therapeutic tool ... and not using it to cover your arse.'  The silence was palpable.  And, instinctively, I reacted, 'That was bitchy, wasn't it?'

As if the worst thing to do in a bureaucracy that is sometimes more focused on processes rather than therapy, is making a sarcastic comment... as if naming the reality of complying with policies that promote accountability, but simultaneously drain our energies from actually doing therapeutic work in an overstretched system is not okay.

My colleague (an incredibly intelligent psychologist) suggested I start a bitch meter.  Not as a measurement of my bitchiness, necessarily, but as a measure of how much the systems I work with as a social worker (who works from a place of improving the fit between people and their environments)... are draining me.

We know that trauma changes people.  We are wary, in the helping professions, of burnout and vicarious trauma, but how much do we think about the fit between people and their environments, as professionals... who has time for unionism or countless submissions to management about the inappropriateness of policies?  It's good enough for our clients, but not that useful for ourselves...

And, reflecting back on my career (so far!), after hearing so many stories of trauma (that I eventually felt compelled to write a novel!), I can categorically say that it is not the stories that exhaust me (or send me reaching for a cigarette, far too often!)- it is the powerlessness against the systems that perpetuate client problems.  And that is such a bad place to be as a social worker...  because if I no longer feel empowered to effect systemic change, then can I really continue to call myself a social worker?

As a mother, I pick my battles.  The bitch meter helps.  A 'nine' would be dangerous- too consumed with ineffectual rage to actually be of use.  A 'six' would be dangerous too.  Dangerous apathy categorised by not being concerned enough by things I can change to divert energies into my work environment.  Today, my bitch meter is a 'seven' and I voiced an idea about changing things about my work conditions... I still haven't given up cigarettes, but I still feel okay about calling myself a social worker in a system, where I may be able to do some good.

Check in again tomorrow...