Raising feminist boys

From the time, I was ten years old until I was eighteen, I attended all-girls' schools.

I was a geek, so I didn't date.  I had no brothers or cousins.  My father and uncles were of a generation and a culture, where men were strong, silent... sexist.

So, being a feminist mother to a fourteen year old boy and a just-turned eleven year old has been a struggle to find a reference point for what is normal, what perpetuates patriarchy, what battles to pick.

Feminism should not be about snuffing out all that is 'masculine'.  As Cynthia Fuchs-Epstein wrote in her defence of women warriors, there are times when so-called 'masculine' qualities are the most appropriate in a situation.  Her argument was that the nature/ nurture argument was somewhat moot because there were situations that called for authoritarianism, situations that called for collaboration and situations that called for gentleness and nurturing.   Ascribing qualities to gender rather than agreeing that certain human qualities were more suited to certain situations can be counter-productive.  Fuchs-Epstein felt that men and women could both rise to those occasions, in spite of gender stereotyping and socialisation.

So, in my house-hold, there are challenges when one of my sons calls something 'gay' or puts down his brother by calling him a 'girl', even though all the kids do it and even though I have no doubt that injunctions on words that are enforced inside my home are not translated into the playground.  And I try to help my sons  develop perspective about competitiveness and aggression, but...

The pissing contests persist, the wrestling and rough-housing go on... and, sometimes, the angst about how feminist (if at all) these boys will become when they are men could drive me batty.  I am blessed to have feminist men in my life, who I can consult, who have weathered the tyranny of masculine socialisation and can  help me put into perspective all my angst.  These men have shown me that boys who wrestle and enjoy the football can still be gentle, involved fathers, who respect the women in their lives and abhor sexism just as much as me.

So, the experiment continues... I'll let you know how it went, in eight years or so...